What it's like to be anti-social, socially awkward but craving a social life.

Now I had many thoughts about writing this blog:

I don't want to seem needy...     

I don't want people to think I'm sob storying...

What if people just laugh at it?

But then I realised that actually, I am not the only one who feels this way and has too much anxiety to admit it.

So, come along and enter the mind of an anti-social, socially awkward person who still somehow craves a social life.

Anti-social

URGH people though. People mean having the energy and being bothered to go and do something. Going and doing something means having time. I work. I have evenings free but that's my me time. I like spending weekends with my partner.
Actually going and seeing people means talking. Talking means I have to try and come up with something interesting to say.
Problem: Nothing interesting enough happens to me to talk about because all I do is work, sleep and read.
Someone just invited me out and urgh I'd love to but like I want alone time and I'm tired and just.. urgh no I'm sorry.

Socially awkward 

I mean yeah it's nice to be out seeing people but what do I even say to them? Should I speak first or let them speak? I'll just wait until someone talks to me...
Oh god I caught someones eye should I just look away or do I need to smile or talk to them or you know what I could just run away and hide some where...
If you have a partner: It's ok, this will be fine as long as they stick by me the entire time and never leave my side and help me be normal.
Oh ok they've gone over there to talk to their friend, should I follow and join in? Or follow and just stand there awkwardly smiling and nodding along? Well they haven't signaled me to come with them so I'll just sit here by myself it's easier.
It's been 10 minutes now and they're still over there chatting and I'm still sat on my own. I just want someone to speak to me and have a laugh with.. Oh crap someones looking at me, quick get your phone out and scroll through it as if you're busy.. good it worked they've moved on.
Actually I kind of wish they did come over. But I also don't wish they did...
I just want my partner to come back over and hold my hand like the clingy thing I clearly am.

Craving a social life

It's summer. Look at that beautiful evening. I should be out laughing and enjoying it with a group of fun people, taking funny photos together and exploring. I want to be out dancing and maybe even drink a little! Meet new people, make new friends...but nope I'm sat here watching videos and reorganising my books for the 10th time.
It's a horrible evening, I don't want to go out but boy would it be nice to speak to someone. In fact having a good ol'chat with someone for hours or one hour each day would be so awesome. It doesn't even have to be about important subjects, just banter. Just texting it doesn't have to be a phone call because I don't really like those much anyway...
All of these people on Facebook are constantly uploading images of their fun days out with friends and sharing things on their friends time lines. Mines bare...

Throw in a little anxiety..

Is it me? Am I not fun? I know I don't have any fun ideas of things to do or interesting stories to tell but surely I myself am ok right?
I want to talk to that person.. but what if they don't want to speak to me? Oh god what if I message them and they don't reply? Or even worse if they do and the reply is super blunt and they are clearly uninterested in speaking to me? Oh no that'd be too embarrassing I'll leave it and just see if they message me.
Ok ok we did it, we invited someone/ people out! But wait what if they cancel last minute or don't turn up or it turns out to be totally boring because I was the person that organised this? I should just cancel and make up some excuse so we don't experience any of those things.. but then what if my cancelling makes them think I don't like hanging out with them? ohgodohgodohgod.

Put all of those together?

Urgh I seriously hate people, why did I agree to going out, all I want to do is sit at home and read and watch YouTube videos but I know full well if I do stay at home I'll regret not going and be lonely and bored and upset when I see how much of a great time they had without me....without me? What if my going makes the day worse and if I don't go they have a better time? What if I'm a total party pooper and boring and ruin the fun? But no that wouldn't happen we used to hang out all the time, it'll be just like old times! But I don't really know what to say...and I haven't anything interesting to tell them. Hopefully they will just do the talking. Should I give them a friendly hug? I mean i'd like to but what if they don't want to? I'll just have to leave it and see if they do... urgh but all of this is making me not want to go. I just won't go. Fuck it I'll just cancel. Who needs a social life any way?!
I do.

And that situation is even worse if you're spending time with your partners friends...

How friendly should I be with them? What can I talk about? Will this make them laugh or will they think i'm weird? What if they think I'm weird looking and undeserving of my partner? Or too loud? Or too quiet? Urgh who cares I don't really want to go anyway, they're not my friends why should I care?
Because I want to be friends with them... I want friendships like my partner has.

So yes. It's difficult. And conflicting. But really this has not been written to get sympathy but because sometimes it is good to express these feelings, not only for yourself but also for the people who feel the same and think no one else feels like this.

I wanted to find a GIF that expresses the whole 'You're not alone' thing. But I couldn't find one so here's this instead because I suddenly remembered about it and found it hilarious when I was younger (although you might not)

Chapter 13- So much to plan, so many reasons to be happy.

Recently, I have been in a constant 'must plan all the things' mode and a 'smile constantly' mode. 

One of the things I can't stop thinking about and planning, is mine and Jacks house. I have already created mood boards for the kitchen, bedroom and bathroom; we haven't even got solid plans for moving out yet. How sad is that?
But I seriously can't help it, as you can see from the image above I also have a problem with thinking far too much about what candles will be in each room. Our house shall have more candles than furniture and Jack will have to deal with it.

The far more important thing I need to start planning, is my business. Which I'm meant to be starting up in just a few weeks. I need to plan what I will be selling, where I will be selling it, how I will use my time and so much more. I will admit I feel extremely stuck. This is a huge venture and although many people are trying to start their own business these days, not many seem to succeed. So I also need to plan marketing strategies and all that crap.
My main problem here is, that there are far too many things I want to do. Full blame for this can be thrown at Kat Von D for being so wonderful that I couldn't help but aspire to use every single one of my talents in my business like she has managed to. I am so determined to do everything I feel I can but patience is not something that I bestow. Therefore the whole 'sensible' thing of 'taking it in steps', doesn't sound good enough to me.  

Anyway on to the second subject of today's blog: Happiness!
So many reasons for this emotion. In fact maybe not, maybe I just feel super happy at the moment? But there definitely are a few contributing factors. 

1. I passed my theory test!! Thank fricking goodness for that. I definitely suggest using Theorytestpro for revision. It's brilliant.
2. Even though Jacks glorious 'Finn The Human' like hair has been cut off, I can feel myself falling more and more in love with that boy. Which may be a strange thing to put on this list, but knowing our relationship is doing nothing but moving forward (even after nearly two years, which can be strange for young relationships) is definitely a good reason to be happy. 
3. I am a few weeks away from completing my apprenticeship and I cannot wait. I get a good qualification, get to keep my job where I work (obviously not as an apprentice) and I will be starting my own business. I can slowly feel my life moving forward;which is something I have been waiting for, for about 5 years now. 
4. I feel a lot better in myself in general. I feel healthier (apart from still smoking), more clever, less brain dead, wanted and I almost feel as if I will succeed in my life. 
5. I'm sat here trying to think of a point five and all I'm doing is looking at all my books and thinking 'mmmmmm'. So yes. My books make me insanely happy. More please. 
6. I have my first car. I HAVE MY FIRST CAR. And I haven't even done my practical test yet.... But here she is! I have named her Bertha. She was originally white but we gave her a makeover and now she is a 'pimpin' matte black (and no, the doors haven't been nicked this was taken before the doors were put back on)

7. OH and how could I forget? I turn 20 in a few weeks. This means I get to say good bye to the horrible 'teenager' label, yet still act like one. Perfect.

I think... that may be about it for now. All I currently know is I have a lot of shit to sort out and a lot to smile about. And I can guarantee you do to (mainly the 'smile about' part..hopefully...I bet you do).

Chapter 12, Facing your fears...

...even if they are what people would call 'silly' or 'irrational', facing your fears can be super hard. Well I say that but after facing two of mine this weekend I feel a lot more at ease when it comes to throwing those fears out the window.

So first things first, this weekend I went paint balling. Shooting people with paint? Yeah I'm cool with that. Getting huge bruises and pain from being shot by paint balls? Yeah I'm cool with that too. However going out with my hair looking like crap tied up in a messy bun with no effort at all? No fricking way am I cool with that. I have never had the confidence to go out in public with my hair not all pretty and fixed into place with hair spray. Never. It may seem ridiculous to you but I have an extreme problem with my hair and I was so scared at the start of the day. I felt shakey and nervous. I kept hiding behind Jack (the bf) and just trying to keep my face out of site. Gradually throughout the day I started feeling better and well basically not giving a shit. I have never felt so liberated when it comes to how I look. I wouldn't ever do it when going out out but atleast I am now confident enough to do sports again. All sounds lame yes but I feel much happier knowing I can now enjoy myself again, I have missed doing sporty things.

So, this next one you are going to be extra confused or astonished; and you will probably think I'm very shallow. My gorgeous man has been growing his hair the whole time I've been with him and I have been loving it. It's nice to play with, nuzzle in to and is just pretty in general cause of the beautiful golden colour. (Bec if you're reading this I'm not weird I swear) Now one of my fears was Jack getting his hair cut off. DUN DUN DUN! Seriously, I'm not joking. I have been so worried that he just wouldn't look like..my Jack. Today, Jack got his hair cut. Now for normal people this isn't huge but for me this was tense. Watching all that glorious hair falling to the floor...making his neck visible..and his eyes stand out more...and suddenly it's not as bad. When I finally had the courage (yes I am that sad) to look at him properly I was just like why did I get so silly, it isn't that bad at all?! He looks waaaaaay younger now but other than that I don't understand why I was scared. And after all it's him who's drawn the short straw because now that he has so little hair, how am I meant to brush it and play with it? SUCKER.

Any way so that's that. They may not have seemed rational or important to you, but I have rid myself of two fears. And you can do it too. Big or small all fears can be fought. Although I plan to never fight my fear of flying (hypocrite... FU). 

Sorry for another serious post, it'll be the last one I swear...

Chapter 11, Standing up for yourself

This post isn't as serious as it sounds but I really want people to start realising it is worth it to stand up for what you believe and who you are. Not in a way that is bitchy and nasty, but you still need to some how get across 'this is how I feel, I am letting you know and I want something done about it'. 

I recently found out that, to finish my apprenticeship, I needed to do a whole new exam for my ICT and for my maths. This is because the apprenticeship body, for some crazy bloody reason, doesn't accept GSCE ICT or Math Additional (higher) paper. Now I got top grades for ICT and for the maths I got a D in the normal paper BUT a good grade in the higher paper. Now surely that counts right? Nope they don't accept additional papers even though I did better at the harder paper than the easier one... surely that shows something? Surely that shows the education system that maybe, just maybe, some things aren't hard enough for us any more? The bad grades aren't necessarily about someone not being clever or being lazy, it's actually just pure boredom. If something bores you, not matter how good you are at it, you're not going to put much effort into it. I certainly don't.
ANYWAY so I voiced my opinion to the body, thinking that I was probably one of the few apprentices that bothered trying to get them to listen. And guess what? Today i received an email explaining that it worked. They've decided to accept my Maths Additional paper but not my ICT. Now this is a huge step in my opinion, alright I still have to do one of the exams but having a proper qualification in ICT sounds like a good idea to me.


Getting people to listen to you is a huge problem in this world; when you finally get to have your say and have people take in what you're saying it is such a good feeling. So this whole thing has taught me that standing up for yourself is really important. Although the exam wasn't a huge problem in my life, it certainly wasn't something I felt I needed to do.
And many people will know, if I don't want to do something, I won't. Now this can be a huge problem in some cases, but it is simply about learning what you genuinely do not need to do.
And if you feel you're right about what you want to do and don't need to do, voice it and stick by it. Don't get upset if it goes wrong.
Remember standing up for yourself can come with consequences, but they aren't the problem it's being able to deal with them that is. When I quit college, no one was happy with me and I had to deal with that. I had to deal with the pain of finding a job and being alone quite often, watching everyone live their lives while I sat at home getting fat and lazy. But I stuck at it. I knew that I wasn't meant to be at college, I stood up for how I felt and now because of that I can use a tattoo machine (though be it not well), I've learnt a lot of life lessons and I now have the perfect job, boyfriend, nearly the perfect mind set and I'm closer to the life I want. Closer than I feel I would have been if I had spent several years at college and uni.

SO anyway i will stop babbling now and start thinking of a more fun blog to write for tomorrow c: Maybe some kind of review and then on Friday you might be able to enjoy my favourite moments of this month so far c:

I hope you feel better about standing up for your self, because unless your a murderous twat, what harm does it really do to let people know this is you and they have to deal with it? 

Exactly. None. 

Go be you <3

Chapter 10, 2B or not 2B?

DO YOU GET IT? 2B OR NOT 2B?!

Seriously though, guess what the pencil is.

On another note, I should be writing my second favourite book (out of my top 5 for this year so far) BUT I am of course feeling far too lazy and will do it later on when my brain has awoken. For now you can endure my ramblings about all the things on my rather extensive To Do list.

So first of all there's revise for my theory test, find a new driving instructor, pass theory test, pass practical, buy car, insure car, drive car. Just tones of 'adult' car shit that is really starting to stress me out! It's such a huge process learning to drive, although, once used to the driving part, incredibly fun and I can't wait to have my own car. I'm definitely looking forward to being able to drive my self random places and exploring with my camera.

Second, there's all things business related. Commissions, adding more to my portfolio, rustling up ideas, having too many ideas, getting myself out there and known, do more writing and reading. Again it's so much to handle all at once. 'Take it step by step' is a very valid point, however it's not how my brain works and refuses to even think about working that way (which would make so much more sense).

I then also have all the stuff I need to finish for my apprenticeship, along side several exams for it. If it weren't for how terribly EASY the work books are I wouldn't particularly mind, but I should have finished my apprenticeship months ago (I'm not allowed to finish it before the end date, how shit is that?).

And lastly (for now) is all the stuff i want and need. There always has been and always will be waaaay too much of it. New camera, laptop, clothes, books, own place, car, tattoos, piercings....
Not just material items but things that I really really really want and need to do but never get round to doing or am simply to tired or have no time. WHAT IS LIFE?

I shall leave you on that note as I don't want to bore you with my annoying to do list which is far bigger than what I've have written.
Oh and don't forget to guess whether the pencil is 2B or not 2B