What it's like to be anti-social, socially awkward but craving a social life.

Now I had many thoughts about writing this blog:

I don't want to seem needy...     

I don't want people to think I'm sob storying...

What if people just laugh at it?

But then I realised that actually, I am not the only one who feels this way and has too much anxiety to admit it.

So, come along and enter the mind of an anti-social, socially awkward person who still somehow craves a social life.

Anti-social

URGH people though. People mean having the energy and being bothered to go and do something. Going and doing something means having time. I work. I have evenings free but that's my me time. I like spending weekends with my partner.
Actually going and seeing people means talking. Talking means I have to try and come up with something interesting to say.
Problem: Nothing interesting enough happens to me to talk about because all I do is work, sleep and read.
Someone just invited me out and urgh I'd love to but like I want alone time and I'm tired and just.. urgh no I'm sorry.

Socially awkward 

I mean yeah it's nice to be out seeing people but what do I even say to them? Should I speak first or let them speak? I'll just wait until someone talks to me...
Oh god I caught someones eye should I just look away or do I need to smile or talk to them or you know what I could just run away and hide some where...
If you have a partner: It's ok, this will be fine as long as they stick by me the entire time and never leave my side and help me be normal.
Oh ok they've gone over there to talk to their friend, should I follow and join in? Or follow and just stand there awkwardly smiling and nodding along? Well they haven't signaled me to come with them so I'll just sit here by myself it's easier.
It's been 10 minutes now and they're still over there chatting and I'm still sat on my own. I just want someone to speak to me and have a laugh with.. Oh crap someones looking at me, quick get your phone out and scroll through it as if you're busy.. good it worked they've moved on.
Actually I kind of wish they did come over. But I also don't wish they did...
I just want my partner to come back over and hold my hand like the clingy thing I clearly am.

Craving a social life

It's summer. Look at that beautiful evening. I should be out laughing and enjoying it with a group of fun people, taking funny photos together and exploring. I want to be out dancing and maybe even drink a little! Meet new people, make new friends...but nope I'm sat here watching videos and reorganising my books for the 10th time.
It's a horrible evening, I don't want to go out but boy would it be nice to speak to someone. In fact having a good ol'chat with someone for hours or one hour each day would be so awesome. It doesn't even have to be about important subjects, just banter. Just texting it doesn't have to be a phone call because I don't really like those much anyway...
All of these people on Facebook are constantly uploading images of their fun days out with friends and sharing things on their friends time lines. Mines bare...

Throw in a little anxiety..

Is it me? Am I not fun? I know I don't have any fun ideas of things to do or interesting stories to tell but surely I myself am ok right?
I want to talk to that person.. but what if they don't want to speak to me? Oh god what if I message them and they don't reply? Or even worse if they do and the reply is super blunt and they are clearly uninterested in speaking to me? Oh no that'd be too embarrassing I'll leave it and just see if they message me.
Ok ok we did it, we invited someone/ people out! But wait what if they cancel last minute or don't turn up or it turns out to be totally boring because I was the person that organised this? I should just cancel and make up some excuse so we don't experience any of those things.. but then what if my cancelling makes them think I don't like hanging out with them? ohgodohgodohgod.

Put all of those together?

Urgh I seriously hate people, why did I agree to going out, all I want to do is sit at home and read and watch YouTube videos but I know full well if I do stay at home I'll regret not going and be lonely and bored and upset when I see how much of a great time they had without me....without me? What if my going makes the day worse and if I don't go they have a better time? What if I'm a total party pooper and boring and ruin the fun? But no that wouldn't happen we used to hang out all the time, it'll be just like old times! But I don't really know what to say...and I haven't anything interesting to tell them. Hopefully they will just do the talking. Should I give them a friendly hug? I mean i'd like to but what if they don't want to? I'll just have to leave it and see if they do... urgh but all of this is making me not want to go. I just won't go. Fuck it I'll just cancel. Who needs a social life any way?!
I do.

And that situation is even worse if you're spending time with your partners friends...

How friendly should I be with them? What can I talk about? Will this make them laugh or will they think i'm weird? What if they think I'm weird looking and undeserving of my partner? Or too loud? Or too quiet? Urgh who cares I don't really want to go anyway, they're not my friends why should I care?
Because I want to be friends with them... I want friendships like my partner has.

So yes. It's difficult. And conflicting. But really this has not been written to get sympathy but because sometimes it is good to express these feelings, not only for yourself but also for the people who feel the same and think no one else feels like this.

I wanted to find a GIF that expresses the whole 'You're not alone' thing. But I couldn't find one so here's this instead because I suddenly remembered about it and found it hilarious when I was younger (although you might not)